Forgive?

It's so hard to forgive when an accusation is unjustified.
I fell in love with a place.
I fell in love with its people.
I fell in love with a feeling.
The wind in my hair.
A camera in my hand.
Laughter echoing in my ears.
They're all just remnants of shattered memories.
Scattered. Never to be placed back together.
Something once so solid is now irreparably broken.
I am an outcast.
For reasons which have no true foundation.
Because of a faulty dictatorship.
For problems unexplored and only seen at face value.
For these reasons, I am seen as less of a Christian.
But I'm not.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to fight back.
I want to explain.
But I know I won't be heard.
So I remain in silence.
I may be crushed.
But I am not broken beyond repair.
I see things in a different light.
I see an institution for what it truly is.
My high upholding for fellow Christians has taken another blow.
It's been almost a month, and I'm still as upset as I was before.
I want to forgive, I fully know that it is the right thing to do,
But I also know I can never look at that place the same.
Ever again.

Don't.

Don't touch me if it means nothing to you.
Don't look at me like I'm pretty.
Don't treat me like I'm special.
Don't laugh as though I'm funny.
Don't call me like you enjoy talking to me.
Don't invite me as if you genuinely want to spend time with me.
Don't do anything.

Remember

I want to remember this feeling.
This time. 
These moments when the smallest thing brings the biggest smile to my face.
I want to etch these faces into my mind.
Carve your eyes into my heart.
Capture the laughs, the hopes, the fears, the anxiousness
That no photograph could truly do justice
Because right now I am on the cusp of something great.
And everything, if only for a fleeting moment, is okay.
This is what I want to remember. 

Mature

When something goes wrong, it's always best to think things through and handle things in the most mature way possible.

But I'd be much more satisfied kicking someone in the shin, calling them a buttface, and running away giggling....

Yup, that's my thought for tonight.

The choice

She was bound in the corner.
Roped from head to toe.
Mouth gagged.
Eyes squeezed shut by a knotted piece of cloth around her head.
Her feet barely twitching in an effort to escape.
She was suffocating.
The tears from her eyes soaked through the fabric covering them.
Her throat offered a weak squeal.
Bound.
Silenced.
Dying.

She chose this.

Empty

Somehow it still feels empty.

Words exchanged over a corner table.
Curious eyes glistening.
A giggle here, a smile there.
Talk of hopes, dreams, fears.
Hours flash by.
We remain, wrapped in our words.
I close my eyes to end the day.
And somehow it still feels empty.

Frustration

You know what is frustrating?
WELL BRACE YOURSELF 'CUZ I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU.

People who fail to ask you how you're doing.

This has been such a common occurrence with me lately. When I talk to someone, I naturally ask them how they're doing, or what they're up to, etc. And they proceed to tell me every detail about their current state of mind. And then, without stopping for a breath, they change the subject to something else also having to do with them. And they continue talking. And talking. Some people are very one-sided without even realizing it. It's so interesting to me to think about how people's minds work. Some, like in this case, are not necessarily seeking to care about others. They just want to be cared about. They simply need an ear to listen. I love being that ear, don't get me wrong. But I also think there is very little point in one-sided relationships. I feel like I have this vat full of attention juice... and you know what? After pouring so much into a person, it just runs out after a while. And if they don't refill my attention vat, I'm just left empty. DANG.

But stupid metaphors aside, I didn't really realize how common of an occurrence this was until I was talking with an acquaintance earlier today, and they asked me the simple question, "How are you doing?" It meant so much to me to be asked this... to be genuinely inquired about. Yeah, make fun of me all you want. I swear I am not as pathetic as I sound right now.... But it was so nice to be cared about. Even if it WAS just out of politeness.

So. Moral of the story... Next time you talk to me... ask me how I am! You will definitely gain friendship points. But seriously. Real moral: Take the time to genuinely care about someone, and they will most likely care about you in return. And if they don't... sure, keep caring, but don't waste your time spilling your attention juice all over them. Unnecessary.

Hi There.

Blogs are stupid.
After all... no one REALLY takes the time to read them, right?
And yet, here I lay... cozily on my bed, putting off reading by creating this blog. Great.
I suppose this shall be where I attempt to share my thoughts with the world.
Though they may not change lives, and they may not always be understood... they will be written, dagnabbit.

My fingernails look like a techno rave, and that makes me very happy right now.

What else can be said? Perhaps I should say a little bit about myself? That seems like the typical thing to do... and while I loathe being cliche... I will allow myself to conform to this small task...

My name is Alyssa. I am but one person in a sea of billions, yet somehow I matter enough to exist. That idea is so fascinating to me. I am a Christian. But not the in-your-face-i'mma-judge-you-if-I-don't-agree-with-you kind. I believe in God. I love God. And I try to be as Christlike as possible, though I know I often fail. I am quiet in person. It's not that I have nothing to say... it's just that I don't always feel comfortable enough to say it. Consider it an honor if I actually let you in. If I do let you in... I can guarantee... lots of fun will be had.

Yep, that's pretty vague. But that's all I feel like saying about me at the moment. If you've taken the time to read this... thank you for reading and taking a peak into my life. I mean that.

More to come soon.

BYE